The Snarkville Edition
You’ve asked for it. So, I thought I would give you the snarky version of my adventures in online dating. All in good fun, of course! So, sit back, relax, and enjoy that cold iced tea on this hot summer day.
I’ll add this as a disclaimer. If you are a decent guy and we’ve exchanged enough messages for me to feel inclined to send you to my blog, then what you may have said to me wouldn’t end up here. These are the extremes. So please… enjoy, and hopefully you’ll get a laugh—or at the very least, your eyes will be opened wide at just how challenging it is out there in dating land…
The Dude Posing as a Hot Chick™
Oh yes. It’s the internet, so any dude who’s angry at his ex can steal her pictures and create a profile, posing as a bisexual girl. What usually gives it away is “her” reference to how much she loves my boobs.
I typically dress in a normal, non-trashy way. I like to leave something to the imagination, or at least, I like to leave something to the discovery of someone special. So, with the photos I post, it’s actually not possible to tell much of anything about my breasts.
Thus… the dead giveaway…
I am inundated with them. I honestly don’t understand it. What’s the draw of a mid-30s woman if you’re in your early 20s? I am nobody’s Mrs. Robinson, nor do I want to be! The only thing that makes sense to me is that these people are looking for a mother. Ew. Or someone to show them the ropes. Double ew.
My favorites, though, are the ones who message me over and over again, with the same unimaginative lines (See Adventures in Online Dating – Part 1).
You Think You’re Funny. Think Again.
Here’s a message I got from someone just yesterday:
“Sorry - I think my mind vapor-locked at this point in your summary:
"...you appreciate a woman who can fit into a variety of situations..."
I laughed so hard I cried.”
Well, then, just cry in your own drool there, 46 year-old dude, because you’re getting nothing from me.
(Immaturity comes in all ages, apparently)
The Fetish Guy
There’s always a fetish guy, hanging around and leaping out of the woodwork when you least expect it.
From his profile:
“I have kink in that I love women to wear pantyhose without underwear and have only dated women that have a thing for pantyhose as well for the past several years. It makes things very spicy and I will not date anyone not into it as well. Life is to short not to enjoy the pleasure of a shared interest with someone:) THIS IS A 100% DEAL BREAKER FOR ME, sorry.
A woman in all sheer nude pantyhose will have my full undivided and get an invitation to dinner, maybe.”
(I love the “maybe” part, personally.)
What’s more interesting though, is that this guy actually emailed me, which is how I saw his profile in the first place. I got to the end of his profile and saw the pantyhose fetish, and this is the response I sent him:
Yeah. I'm reallllly not your woman. I can't STAND to wear those things. I haven't worn them in probably 20 years, but I have let go of the anger I once felt towards the man who invented them, haha.”
I wonder why I didn’t get a response?
The Total Creep
Then, there’s this guy. I really have no words for this profile, which I’m including a large section of, because it’s just… wow. Really, I have no words.
“this isn't a self summary this is a summery of what i'm looking for so here goes.i'm a well to do male looking for a good woman,not just any woman but that takes care of herself and is in very good shape,she must love to f*** at the drop of a hat,i want a slut in bed,and an elegant lady in public,i want her to be submissive,and ill treat her right,i want a loving woman to,someone smart and touchy feely,someone that is into bettering herself,education wise,having a job isnt a must.If your not any of these things then move along,dont be fake eather to think you'll get somewere at my expense.lets be honest ladies.no man wants a woman that doesnt like a good f******.and isnt a little slutty,it doesnt mean you cant be classy at the same time
[I'm really good at] my job,im a gynecologist and i love it,im good at cooking,golf,piano,and most importantly sex”
EW EW EW EW… The squick factor is just off the charts on this one. I have no other words, really, except that this guy is a major creep, and I can’t imagine he gets anything but hateful emails.
I can’t even touch the spelling, grammar, and other errors. Really… can’t touch. We’d be here all night.
I’m at a loss for this last category…
This was actually in a 42 year-old man’s profile:
"Damn! Tons of hot babies cruising my scene but no talky, just walky."
I responded and said that most ladies are waiting for the guy to make the first move. I’m thinking I should have saved my fingers from typing those words, because this is the response I got:
“pursued or stalked? I feel like s douche chattin up some hunnies sumtimes. I guess most of the chicas I've made time with have chased me down for the most part. That way I know they're diggin on the ten-pin. Yeah that's me, Benny Ten-pin. When the ladies chase down the Ten-pin, that's how I know they want all this.......yo.”
There are other categories, of course. The guy who tries too hard… the guy who clearly paints himself as better than everyone else… the guy who knows he is in no way good enough for me, but gives it a half-ass attempt anyway… the overly non-chalant guy who can’t even remember if he’s messaged me before (because it’s too hard for him to look in his “Sent” folder, apparently)… and many more, I’m sure. I may continue this in a Snarkville Vol. 2 post. We’ll see!