The depth of our grief is really the expression of our love.
Tonight, the depth is bottomless...endless... and overpowering. I feel like I'm
clinging to the edge of my sanity tonight, and the grief is winning.
Who am I, without these strong women in my life? Who am I,
without the man I thought was the love of my life? Who am I, childless and
alone? Who am I, music blaring against empty walls in vain effort to fill this
space—this gaping, wide open space that echoes back at me, a mirror to my pain?
It’s everywhere—in every breath, every sob, every word—I am
a lost child, wandering in a black forest. I have shrunken back down to my four
year-old self, unable to guide myself out of this darkness, and so, here I sit—paralyzed
with pain, the intensity and depths of which I have never before experienced. I wish I could pull my heart right out of my body, because I think that might hurt less than what I'm feeling right now.
I am lost, afraid, and alone.
This is a perfect time to call on God. Or all of the spirits
that I know are constantly around me. Or all of the above. It’s a prime moment
to ask for guidance and help, yet God feels so far away.
I know that’s my own ego, getting in the way of my faith…
This grief makes me weak. So, so weak. I can barely lift my
arms, let alone my head. My body is just here… existing in a slump, my eyes
heavy and sad, my heart firmly rooted in the pit of my stomach, my legs useless
extensions, and my will completely defeated.
My story is written all over me.
Perhaps one day, my story will be one that’s uplifting and
hopeful, inspiring and full.
But tonight, I find myself wondering why I am still here…
(No, I am not going to do anything stupid... and yes, I know that everything is temporary, including feelings like what I've express here tonight...)
I was searching the internet, looking for a phrase or 2 word expression that sums up the feelings you wrote about in your blog, The Depth of Grief, for my own journal. I just want you to know, I understand a grief that makes you weak and feeling defeated. I also understand when the "grief wins." I understand a grief that makes your heart bleed daily. Some days it gushes but always, it bleeds. I understand a grief that feels so heavy sometimes, all I can do is lie on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. And I know, that kind of grief is not an experience I will ever get over....I don't want to....after 19 years of that kind of grief, I feel it is a part of me....as much a part of me as my love for the brother. We were siamese twins, conjoined in our hearts. He was actually a year older than me, but we felt connected. I am writing our story....It is important we share our stories.....I feel comforted right now in my grief, that I am not alone. There is another out there...who feels the depth of grief I feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your writing.
From someone who lives in Nashville, TN August 11, 2013
Thank you so, so much for your comment. Grief needs a witness, and I am honored to be a witness for you, and for your to be a witness for me. Letting it out eases the pain...
DeleteI am so thrilled that you're writing the story of you and your brother. How amazing... and truly-- no one can tell that story but you.
Your grief honors me. Your sharing honors me even more deeply. Thank you for sharing here. <3