Just the thought of going through moving (on top of
everything else) made me sick to my stomach.
The Sunday night before selling my car was tough. It’s as if
I stayed up as late as possible to try and put off the sun’s rising Monday
morning, knowing what I would have to go through with—knowing that I would be
selling my car. My one asset, the one thing remaining from my old life, but
really, it was even more than that.
That car was part of my identity.
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| We had a good run... |
Letting go of it meant letting go of the last piece of my
old identiy—one I had worked so hard to create: a delicate façade of trying to
be a perfect wife, a perfect provider, a perfect friend, a perfect daughter, a
perfect artist.
What I ended up becoming was a perfect failure.
Monday, February 6, inevitably arrived, of course. I hastily
cleaned out my car, dumping all its contents into reusable grocery bags and
hauling it upstairs.
(I might as well admit right here and now that all of the
contents of my cubicle from my Frito-Lay days were still jostling around in the
trunk.)
My friend David met me for breakfast where we talked about some
things that were on both of our hearts, and then we headed to CarMax. The
selling process was rather unceremonious, and I walked out of there with a bank
draft.
My friend took me to the bank, where I deposited the check
and then drafted a cashier’s check for my February rent.
Then, he dropped me off at home, where I waited for my
landlord to stop by and pick up the check. When she arrived, I was very open
with her. I told her I didn’t know what was going to happen—that I was doing
the best I could do, and I had had some great interviews, but nothing had yet
turned into an offer. I told her I wanted to do right by her and give as much
notice as possible if I was going to have to move out. A lot would depend on
the next couple of weeks.
She offered to go month-to-month for the same dollar amount
until I got everything figured out. I think she appreciated my openness, and up
until this point, I have been a perfect tenant.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
I didn’t know what was going on in the background as all of
this transpired. I felt strangely peaceful.
As it turns out, a former colleague of mine had run into a
former colleague of hers. And although I don’t know the exact timing, I’d like
to think it was sometime around the sale of my car. Anyway, he mentioned the
need for an Instructional Designer, and did she happen to know anybody?
Indeed, she did.
She recommended me and introduced us via LinkedIn that
evening.
An hour later, he emailed me directly and asked if I could
come in for an interview Tuesday or Wednesday.
I knew my friend David was going out of town Tuesday
afternoon and had offered to loan me his car while he was gone. I asked for a
Wednesday interview and sent my résumé over to him on Tuesday.
It’s interesting to note that on Tuesday, I met my friend Michael
for lunch, and we talked about the Laws of Attraction. That evening, I started
making a list of what I wanted—in a man, in a career, for myself, etc.
The important part of Laws of Attraction is also describing
why you deserve the things you’re asking for… and to be sure to only ask when you’re
in the right frame of mind—a genuine place, rather than a place of desperation
or greed.
And, I realized a few things—that I have already tasted a
lot of what I want, I just haven’t had a lot of it all together at one time. I also
realized how far I’ve come, to dare and to believe I am worthy of all that my heart
truly wants. It was a good feeling, and I went to bed feeling positive and
hopeful.
On Wednesday morning, I got up and prepared… looked over all
of my work and put some samples on a jump drive to show them. I thought about
what I might say and what questions they might ask. I combed through their
website. You know—all the usual interview-prep stuff.
I expected the interview to last an hour or a little longer.
You know—the usual.
But, I ended up being there for over four hours. I met with the
President and VP. I met with a main Project Coordinator and I met the other two
Instructional Designers. I met a few other people, too. It felt like I was part
of the team and that was my first day of work. I felt welcomed. I felt
energized to finally find a small company that has a great business model that
really works.
On Friday morning, I got the job offer!
That afternoon, I signed paperwork accepting the offer… just
after signing a two-year renewal on my condo lease.
And, Saturday, I took care of the one missing piece: buying
a car.
No longer did I have to settle for a cheap “cash car”. I
could actually finance a car, and apparently I’ve done something right over the last year or so, because I managed to get
a great interest rate.
So… I bought a 2009 Honda Accord.
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I started my new job the following Tuesday, and I’m quite
happy there. I didn’t just get any
job, after all. I got a job that truly fits me and my personality. I fit, too.
I get to use my strengths, my background, my education, and I get to work with
great people in a great environment, too!
I feel pretty strongly that letting go of the Acura—the last
piece of my old identity—was the very thing that set into motion the chain of
events that happened within a span of just five days.
I’ve learned so much over the past few months—about myself,
and about others. I have received an abundance of love, support, and energy.
I’ve learned just how little money I really need.
There were times when I quite literally didn’t know where I
would get the money to pay for my next meal, let alone my next bill. And yet, I
didn’t ever truly go into panic mode. I found that in just the nick of time, I
would get a donation for writing group, someone would buy a piece of jewelry, a
friend would generously buy me dinner, or something else would happen and
suddenly—I’d have $100 again.
I have learned the real value of money, and with all the
time I’ve had on my hands—I’ve certainly had ample opportunity to examine my
spending habits from the past. I realized that I spent entirely too much money
on stupid things. That realization has helped me renew my focus, come up with a
more realistic budget, and of course renew my awareness of where my money really
goes.
I bought one thing in the last two or three months that I
didn’t need. One. And that was BrenéBrown’s new book, The Gifts ofImperfection, which I recommend to everyone. (I bought it after hearing
this awesome podcast, by the way.)
That’s pretty different for me. In the past—even when I was
in a financial pinch—I would have found ways to spend money on stupid things
like a new sweater or pair of shoes. I didn’t do that this time. I needed every
dime I got to pay the phone bill or the grocery bill.
What I’ve learned about faith over the past few months is
that I had to fully trust in God before I could have it. (Maybe that isn’t the
case for you, but for me—it is.) I made that choice, to fully trust, back in
December when I refreshed the Step Beyond training through Pathways. That was
pivotal for me, and ever since December, I have felt a deep sense of peace.
Even through this crazy storm of my life, I have felt an
underlying sense of peace. I did my part—looking for jobs, applying for jobs, asking for help, reworking my résumé over and over, connecting with people who might be able to
help, and in the meantime continuing to pursue my passions so that I didn’t go
completely insane.
And because I did my part, I was able to—somehow… let go of
those things that were out of my control.
I took a leap… a leap of faith.
It didn’t feel like a leap, though. It felt like a daily
practice, and there were some very dark days, to be sure.
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| Happy me, in my favorite shirt. It was my grandmother's. |
But instead of turning completely inward during the darkness,
I turned to God. I turned to friends and family. I turned to writing. I turned
to all of the things that feed my soul, and I was never truly alone. I walked
through this storm with dignity. I have emerged stronger and more solidified in
my faith, with priorities revamped, focus restored, and a brand new
appreciation for friends, family, and even acquaintances who have in one way or
another been so willing to extend a helping hand… just for me.
To me, faith is a choice (and, like all things, it takes practice). But it is not a choice easily made, and
I had to be in the right place, spiritually, to be able to make that choice.
I had to be on my knees.
I have been through some of the most truly humbling experiences of my life over the past months, and I have learned so much along the way. But this time... instead of being knocked down to my knees by external forces, this was an inside job. I had to be willing to go to my knees myself. Humility was a choice. I recognize now that all of the lessons in humility that I've had over the past months (years?) led me to this point, so that I would have the courage to willingly go to my knees when it was time.
I believe faith is about stepping forward and doing
something incredibly hard, and trusting that even when you have no clue what
the outcome will be—you will be okay. For me, this time, it was the past few
months culminating in the biggest leap of all—selling my car.
In my willingness to let go of control and trust that I would
be okay, I gained deeper understanding of what it means to walk with God and to
let Him carry me when I am too weak to take the steps myself.
And, truly, what I’ve learned over the past couple of years
sank in, all the way to my core. I am loved. I am cared for. I am taken care
of. I am not alone…
(These things are true for all of us, by the way.)
I am deeply grateful to accept these gifts and all the
blessings I have received thus far.
I am drinking from my saucer, because my cup is overflowing.
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