I haven’t posted in forever! I know. I’m long, long overdue.
The truth is, I’ve gone through some really difficult stuff over the past several months. It really started to hit me in June, and it’s still going on now. The good thing is… I’m through the worst of it.
But, still… sometimes life throws curve balls for which you are unbelievably unprepared.
I’ll also be honest, and say that I have gone back and forth about a thousand times, trying to decide how much to say here on my blog. You’ll notice that so far, I’ve chosen to stay quiet… but I would like to share a couple of things. At some point, I’ll share more, but I need to wait until a couple of larger issues have resolution first.
So, as for what I will share…
I have lost 50 pounds.
(That's me... the "just barely overweight" me, on the right!)
I’ve done it the right way, with adjustments in diet and portion control. Now I wish I had taken progress photos from the beginning! I started this journey back at the very beginning of May, and I’m still going. I have 32 pounds left to lose, to reach my original goal.
Up until last week, I was absolutely determined to make it, but I’ve run into an unexpected snag.
I just ordered some jeans from Old Navy, and when they came in I immediately put them on and pranced around in front of the mirror for a good 15 minutes, posing and looking at myself in utter disbelief at how small the number was on the inside of those jeans, and the jeans fit me so well, and I let the belief sink in as I looked at all the shrinking parts of me, smiling wide all the while.
In other words… I’ve never been as happy with my body as I am in this moment.
In fact, I’m so happy with the way I look and feel right now that I’m having a hard time staying motivated to continue losing more weight!
Holy cow… I really wasn’t expecting that.
Last week was a wash. Intense work stress provided just the needed excuse to eat poorly. I shoveled candy and chocolate, fattening food, and higher portions than I have been eating.
Friday night, I found myself thinking, “What the hell am I doing?”
I’ve been on such a roll with losing the weight I want to lose… and I’ve done an excellent job. But, this past week… I just gave up.
I listened as my internal voice told me the same thing it’s told me time and time again, for years.
“Just this one piece won’t hurt.
Just one more bite won’t hurt.
It’s no big deal.”
I realized that while I am happy with the way I look right now, it’s going to be hard to maintain (let alone continue to lose) if I go right back to the bad old eating habits I used to have.
I think one thing adding difficulty is that I don’t have a point of reference. I’ve never been the size I’m going for. Never. Not even in high school. Not even in junior high... or elementary school, for that matter. I’ve been overweight for almost my entire life, so I don’t actually know what it feels like to feel slender, or a normal size… I have no clue what it feels like (or looks like!) to fit well within the “healthy weight range” for my height. Not a clue!
So, I can see how it’s easy to stop trying. I don’t know what my goal looks like or feels like, so I’m not entirely sure how to keep it tangible.
These are the things I thought about and wrote about in my private journal on Friday.
I had a pretty significant “light bulb” or epiphany after all that thinking… and Saturday morning, I woke up with a renewed sense of motivation.
I realized that if I quit now, I would be following suit with so many decisions I’ve made in my life.
I’d be settling.
Settling for a size and weight that isn’t where I want to be. Settling for not looking as good as I know I can look… settling for not feeling as good as I can feel.
Settling… is such an ugly pattern in my life! But now that I realize what I was doing, I am absolutely resolute in my decision to plow forward and continue on with losing more weight… At least 32 more pounds to reach my original goal.
I will get there. I’m absolutely determined.
And tonight, I made a very yummy chicken and veggie soup to help support that cause…
I’m back on the wagon, y’all.