The State of Me

So, I’m back in the dating realm. It was a conscious, slow decision this time around.

I joined eHarmony and ended up going on three very promising dates with someone who seemed very… promising…

Except he balked when I asked for—basically proof of who he is. Because to be honest, there were some holes, and some things just weren’t adding up.

Granted—I didn’t handle it well. I could have approached the whole thing better than I actually did. I took accountability for the way I handled it, explained how I wished I had handled it, and asked to move forward.

But as the old saying goes, “God is efficient,” and apparently even though so much felt right with the guy… it was to end swiftly. Because even though he “promised” that we would talk once he was back in town, that talk never came.

It got me thinking that I was onto something, that he was indeed hiding some truth that he didn’t want me to know.

There is fire, and there is lust,
Some would trade it all for someone they could trust.
There’s a bag of silver for a box of nails
It’s so simple, the betrayal,
Though it’s known to change the world and what’s to come…
 – Come on Home by the Indigo Girls

And so it is, I am single and heading into the first holiday season without  my sister and my mom.

I sat in a very full meeting earlier today and caught myself staring at the date: 11/20/2013.

It hit me—like a ton of bricks—that nine days from now is the one year anniversary of losing my mom. Instantly, my mind flashed back to our last conversation, to the last time I saw her (which was on Thanksgiving day last year), to the last time I smelled her scent, to the last time I felt her arms around me.

It’s already been too long.

I kept my composure in the meeting, which I wouldn’t have been able to do only months before now. But now, when I’m at home alone, I am breathless with tears, remembering her smile and her laugh and the way she always knew just exactly what to say, especially when I needed words of encouragement.

I could use those words now, especially about dating…

Nothing helps. Time doesn’t help… time is this cryptic, mystical concept that doesn’t heal anything. The only thing that heals is consciously focusing on healing.

Speaking of healing… my dad and I avoided talking about Thanksgiving for weeks. Finally, I told him that maybe we shouldn’t bother with the meal on Thursday. Maybe we should get together on Friday instead… the 29^th… to just be together. That’s the one year anniversary of losing my mama… and I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be around the people who loved her most.

So, that’s what we’re doing.

But Christmas… that’s a whole other story.

I’m not sure I want to do Christmas this year.

I don’t know yet.

For now, back to dating…

I’m not entirely sure how I remain hopeful. It would be so easy to become jaded and assume that every man is a liar and a cheater. But I don’t believe that.

I am a good woman. A really good woman. I have a lot to offer. A lot to give.

And I would like to receive from someone who is equally generous…

And so, I have raised my standards. I have a pretty tall order for the “right” guy, and nothing and nobody will cause me to compromise or settle.

That’s not to say that dating isn’t incredibly frustrating (on multiple fronts… *ahem*).

It is.

Very.

But, it’s also fun.

It’s fun to discover new people and broaden my own experience. Every interaction I have helps me further refine what and who I am looking for, and that’s positive. So positive, that perhaps I should write a dating book when it’s all said and done!

(It has crossed my mind…)

Of course, dating is exhausting, too… especially when I come across people who tout one thing so loudly, yet their actions deliver opposite results. It pisses me off when people throw around words like “honesty” and “integrity” without truly following through on the meanings of those words with their actions.

And so… those folks get the boot.

Quickly.

And that’s okay.

One thing is certain: I am becoming much more efficient and adept at combing through the dating profiles as well as eliminating those guys who just aren’t for me.

My sincere hope is that he’s out there.

Somewhere.

And hopefully not too far away…

Adventures in Online Dating - Part 4

The "Don't Go Back to Snarkville" Edition. 

Oh wait... we never left Snarkville. Carry on, then.

So, apparently I have a lot to say about this whole dating thing.

I’m glad that I’ve taken a step back from it all, because, quite frankly—I totally get why so many folks get discouraged quickly in the online dating scene.

I’m not discouraged, per se. A little disappointed, maybe?

It helps that I am incredibly busy—which helps me stay detached from all the potential discouragement I would feel if I made dating and trying to find someone amazing a central focus in my life.

So, since I’ve got a virtually endless amount of fodder for the ole blog… I thought I’d have another go at another snarky post. Aren’t you glad?

I have my profile on two sites: Match (a paid site) and okcupid (a free site).

What’s interesting is that I have completely different experiences on both sites.

On Match, the trend seems to be men who are looking for Barbie with a Perfect Body™ who are approximately 5 years younger than they are (I mean, one guy actually said that in his profile: “Ok, I want someone who is 5 years younger than I, because that’s what I’m supposed to look for”).

(No individual thought necessarily, apparently…)

And… generally speaking, these guys are also looking for women who are ready to pump out babies.

You might gather that I don’t spend a whole lot of time on Match.  

First of all, the site is clunky. And after going on one date with someone who almost worked for Match, I now understand why the site feels so squicky to me.

If you’re in the online dating game, pay attention to this part.

Match actually use algorithms that are designed to bring two people together who will date for a short while… and then break it off… therefore, sending both parties back to Match.com.

In other words, the actual matches who end up getting married are flukes.

(Side note to say how the nerd in me is whirring like crazy, wanting to know the ratio of Match hook-ups to actual marriages and failed relationships, the standard deviation, etc...)

Kind of brilliant, when you think about it, but if you’re on the receiving end of that, or if you’ve been on Match for a while and have paid them a lot of money—it kind of sucks.

And while the quality of men has the appearance of being somewhat better on Match vs. on okcupid… the general consensus is that they also seem to be looking for some sort of invisible standard of perfection that just doesn’t exist in a human.

The level of bitterness I see in Match profiles is also far higher than on okcupid. Men who have apparently been in the circuit for quite some time (looking for that elusive perfection?) who have plenty to say about what you should or should not bring to the table if you dare to send them a message.

I think it’s reasonable to say that I get much more actual fodder for my blog from okcupid, though, since most of the profiles I’ve come across on Match are written by men who can actually write a sentence containing a noun and a verb, and the messages I’ve received there have mostly been polite, and I can’t say the same for okcupid. I think most all of the tidbits I’ve posted have originated from okcupid, but that makes sense for several reasons.

• I spend more time on okcupid
• It’s a more user-friendly site
• It’s a better site overall, with better matching capabilities
• Frankly, there are just more people
• There doesn’t seem to be any sort of literacy clause for okcupid

And while it’s not quantity vs. quality, certainly—quantity helps, when you’re trying to find quality. Maybe it’s the old adage of finding a needle in a haystack… If you’re searching through a larger haystack, it might take longer to find the needle, but maybe there are… more… needles?? Ok, maybe that doesn’t work so well after all. Hm.

I want to stress that so far, the folks I’ve gotten past the messaging stage, texting stage, and to the talking-on-the-phone and meeting-in-person stage have been at the very least interesting and engaging. I’ve had some really great conversations, some amazing connections, and some wonderful laughs. I’ve even learned some great things along the way.

Again… what I’m referring to here are exceptions.

Or worse—they start out seeming relatively normal, but as time goes by, the insecurity, control issues, and desperation are revealed.

Here we go.

First, some more one-line messages:

talk to me

I don’t know what to say about this. I don’t take to being bossed around very well. Just ask my ex-husband, or anyone who knows me at all. I don’t like being told what to do. Especially not by a stranger. This sort of message will, again, garner zero response from me.

Hey, I would really enjoy talking to you.

So, I looked at his profile, just out of curiosity… then got sidetracked because I was in the middle of doing something else. This is as good a time as any to mention that I’m ADD.

Twenty minutes later, I got this message:

I guess that means "no"...LOL ;()

Well, fine. You guessed right, buddy.

Sadly, I hadn’t meant anything by not responding right away, other than—I got distracted, and then forgot about it.

What turned me off was the fact that he jumped to a conclusion so quickly and assumed that I wasn’t interested, even though I hadn’t really made my mind up—until he sent that second message.

hello would you like o go boating or motorcycling?

Sure. With someone I know, who I am certain won’t use the opportunity to conveniently dump my body somewhere…

you are irresistibly gorgeous.. can i have your number?

*sigh*

*eyeroll*

Please see Part 1.

Except, this same guy emailed me when I first signed up on okcupid, with the exact same message: You are irresistibly gorgeous. Can I have your number?

Back then, I responded with “It’s a bit early for that.”

(This was back when I responded to every message—which didn’t last long!)

U r deffenalty cute n funny, that's a big plus for me, hi I'm (name removed—I do at least have that much decency) is great to meat u

Auuugh!!! I have no words for this spelling and grammar nightmare. Mostly just screaming. And I really, really don’t want to MEAT anyone.

hey hope u dewing good

Gross! I mean, I know this is Texas and all, but I really don’t want to talk to any stranger about dew, unless we’re talking about Mountain Dew (the soda) or dew that appears on grass on a humid morning.

Hi Linda, can you chat?

Thanks for assuming I go by Linda, and thanks for not noticing that I have the chat feature disabled on okcupid.

The Uber Lazy Guy

The guy who can’t be bothered to check his “Sent” folder. Which, by the way, is right at the top of the Messages tab. Very easy to find… Even my mom could find it.

Wait. Ok, maybe my mom couldn’t find it… but my aunt definitely could.

Hello! I've gotten so lost on this site that I honestly don't know if I've sent you a message yet or not...oh, dear. Let's hope I wasn't a dick before.
Love your smirky pics, though you have a terrific smile.
Are you still actively looking on the site? Please check out my profile and see if there is anything there that intrigues you. I'm just new and clumsy with this, so trying not to overdo it.
Best,
(name removed)

What this message says to me is that he can’t really be bothered to say something about what I wrote in my profile—only about the pictures I posted.

Let me reiterate. I am prolific in my profile—at the very least, in hopes of offering some point of connection to make it easier for a guy to reach out to me. If you can’t find at least one thing from my profile to mention to me in a message, then why should I bother responding? This is minimal effort. Really… minimal.

The I’m a Good Kisser™ Claim

I am tired of seeing “I’m a great kisser” in profiles. It’s old, it’s tired, and in my experience, it’s usually not true.

If you feel the need to brag about something so personal and so subjective in your profile, that tells me you probably aren’t very good at it.

I kind of equate the kissing thing to the “I love to laugh!” statement.

I don’t know of anyone I’ve met who doesn’t enjoy kissing, if it’s with the right person. Same with laughing, right? So stop talking about it in your profile. Kissing is something that stems from the chemistry between two people, and I’ve kissed people who have claimed to be great kissers, and you know what? It was awful.

The worst was a guy back in my college days. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was at a friend’s house in Connecticut. This guy told a lot of tall tales that evening, including how he had hitchhiked across the US. But perhaps the tallest tale was his endless bragging about how great a kisser he was.

At midnight, he made me his target.

I even remember the guy's name, too. Unfortunately, his mouth was more memorable than his name. He opened his jaw alarmingly wide—I mean—imagine a cartoon head where the head completely swivels backwards (like the Canadians in South Park)—and he aimed for the general vicinity of my mouth with his teeth.

Yes.

He actually surrounded my entire mouth (including my lips!) with his teeth.

It felt as if there was a fish with teeth sucking on my mouth. It was bizarre, painful, and quite honestly, one of the weirdest experiences of my freshman year.

I can't entirely recall how I got out of that one, but I made my escape and then made myself remarkably scarce for the rest of the evening. 

Red Flags—They’re Everywhere, They’re Everywhere!

Then there’s this guy.

Hi. I was browsing the site while on a slow moment on vacation today. I saw your profile and would like to start a conversation with you but do not want to wait till I return when I have time to be witty and clever.
Since I have to get back to family and my vacation, I invite you to check out my profile and see if it can be interesting enough to get you to reply back.

(emphasis mine)

I didn’t really know what to think of that first message. He’s on vacation, yet just bored enough to be surfing okcupid… Okay, I can roll with that. But that last bit felt just the slightest bit like he needed validation, or needed to know that he was worthy of a reply.

I replied… and we sent a few messages back and forth, and then I got busy, and then I got involved with someone for a little bit…

And then this guy sent me a message where I could tell he was trying to be funny, but it just came off as pathetic. He pointed out a variety of statements he had made in his previous message that could have possibly offended me. But he wasn’t funny about it, at all.

It probably doesn’t help that I was spending time with an actual comedian at the time, who was actually funny—so to this emailing dude’s detriment, I suppose that made him seem all the more pathetic.

But I digress. I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I sent him a message that I would reply with more soon. Part of me wanted to give this guy another chance to not seem so desperate, and in the mean time, I did want to see how he responded to that.

Well…

About a week went by, and I didn’t reply back.

And then I got this message:

Hi.
Passed a city sign on my way home from Bridgeport today. The city was Newark and i could not for the life of me figure out why it was ringing a bell in my head. Then I remembered you had gone to Newark recently. I then realized you had not written back yet. It has been a while since I have heard from you and thought I would try to contact you once more. Here is hoping that this message prompts a response!

Okay, now that you’ve gotten downright demanding on me, that means you’ll get nothing more from me (again with the whole telling me what to do thing). I should have gotten that clue when I read his profile, where he plainly states (as the very first thing you read on his profile) that he doesn't like okcupid's quick rating system, and he pretty much demands that you wait until you know him before giving him a rating.

People with control issues, or who are just... holding on too tightly... will show their true colors soon enough, and I'm afraid this dude falls into that bucket.

I do happen to be a very busy woman, and not actually busy with dating… but with—gasp—living my life. And if someone is going to have the patience in the early, getting-to-know-you stages where it’s no big deal if it takes me 3-4 days to respond to a message you’ve sent me, then I’ll have a whole lot more respect for you, and chances are, it will take me less and less time to respond to you.

See how that works? As I get to know someone better, and we have more and more common ground, more and more things to talk about… I begin to carve out time for that person. I move that person up the priority list, so to speak.

But it takes mutual respect. It takes a little bit of patience, and that also means—please don’t jump to conclusions, don’t assume (because, you know what they say about that), don’t hide behind your own judgments. Don’t assume that you are suddenly the center of my universe, because I responded to one message you sent me. Don’t assume that I don’t like you if it takes me several days to get back to you.

In other words… and please, bear with me at the hilarity and it’s-come-full-circle-ish-ness of this: don’t play games!

Just be real. Just be honest… be you.

That’s all I ask, and yet—it seems to be asking quite a lot.

Adventures in Online Dating - Part 3

The Snarkville Edition

You’ve asked for it. So, I thought I would give you the snarky version of my adventures in online dating. All in good fun, of course! So, sit back, relax, and enjoy that cold iced tea on this hot summer day.

I’ll add this as a disclaimer. If you are a decent guy and we’ve exchanged enough messages for me to feel inclined to send you to my blog, then what you may have said to me wouldn’t end up here. These are the extremes. So please… enjoy, and hopefully you’ll get a laugh—or at the very least, your eyes will be opened wide at just how challenging it is out there in dating land…

The Dude Posing as a Hot Chick™

Oh yes. It’s the internet, so any dude who’s angry at his ex can steal her pictures and create a profile, posing as a bisexual girl. What usually gives it away is “her” reference to how much she loves my boobs.

Yes.

Really.

I typically dress in a normal, non-trashy way. I like to leave something to the imagination, or at least, I like to leave something to the discovery of someone special. So, with the photos I post, it’s actually not possible to tell much of anything about my breasts.

Thus… the dead giveaway…

The 20-Year-Olds

I am inundated with them. I honestly don’t understand it. What’s the draw of a mid-30s woman if you’re in your early 20s? I am nobody’s Mrs. Robinson, nor do I want to be! The only thing that makes sense to me is that these people are looking for a mother. Ew. Or someone to show them the ropes. Double ew.

My favorites, though, are the ones who message me over and over again, with the same unimaginative lines (See Adventures in Online Dating – Part 1).

You Think You’re Funny. Think Again.

Here’s a message I got from someone just yesterday:

“Sorry - I think my mind vapor-locked at this point in your summary:
"...you appreciate a woman who can fit into a variety of situations..."
I laughed so hard I cried.”

Well, then, just cry in your own drool there, 46 year-old dude, because you’re getting nothing from me.

(Immaturity comes in all ages, apparently)

The Fetish Guy

There’s always a fetish guy, hanging around and leaping out of the woodwork when you least expect it.

From his profile:

“I have kink in that I love women to wear pantyhose without underwear and have only dated women that have a thing for pantyhose as well for the past several years. It makes things very spicy and I will not date anyone not into it as well. Life is to short not to enjoy the pleasure of a shared interest with someone:) THIS IS A 100% DEAL BREAKER FOR ME, sorry.
A woman in all sheer nude pantyhose will have my full undivided and get an invitation to dinner, maybe.”

(I love the “maybe” part, personally.)

What’s more interesting though, is that this guy actually emailed me, which is how I saw his profile in the first place. I got to the end of his profile and saw the pantyhose fetish, and this is the response I sent him:

“Pantyhose?
Yeah. I'm reallllly not your woman. I can't STAND to wear those things. I haven't worn them in probably 20 years, but I have let go of the anger I once felt towards the man who invented them, haha.”

I wonder why I didn’t get a response?

The Total Creep

Then, there’s this guy. I really have no words for this profile, which I’m including a large section of, because it’s just… wow. Really, I have no words.

“this isn't a self summary this is a summery of what i'm looking for so here goes.i'm a well to do male looking for a good woman,not just any woman but that takes care of herself and is in very good shape,she must love to f*** at the drop of a hat,i want a slut in bed,and an elegant lady in public,i want her to be submissive,and ill treat her right,i want a loving woman to,someone smart and touchy feely,someone that is into bettering herself,education wise,having a job isnt a must.If your not any of these things then move along,dont be fake eather to think you'll get somewere at my expense.lets be honest ladies.no man wants a woman that doesnt like a good f******.and isnt a little slutty,it doesnt mean you cant be classy at the same time
[I'm really good at] my job,im a gynecologist and i love it,im good at cooking,golf,piano,and most importantly sex”

EW EW EW EW… The squick factor is just off the charts on this one. I have no other words, really, except that this guy is a major creep, and I can’t imagine he gets anything but hateful emails.

I can’t even touch the spelling, grammar, and other errors. Really… can’t touch. We’d be here all night.

I’m at a loss for this last category…

This was actually in a 42 year-old man’s profile: 

"Damn! Tons of hot babies cruising my scene but no talky, just walky." 

I responded and said that most ladies are waiting for the guy to make the first move. I’m thinking I should have saved my fingers from typing those words, because this is the response I got:

“pursued or stalked? I feel like s douche chattin up some hunnies sumtimes. I guess most of the chicas I've made time with have chased me down for the most part. That way I know they're diggin on the ten-pin. Yeah that's me, Benny Ten-pin. When the ladies chase down the Ten-pin, that's how I know they want all this.......yo.”

Yes.

Really.

There are other categories, of course. The guy who tries too hard… the guy who clearly paints himself as better than everyone else… the guy who knows he is in no way good enough for me, but gives it a half-ass attempt anyway… the overly non-chalant guy who can’t even remember if he’s messaged me before (because it’s too hard for him to look in his “Sent” folder, apparently)…  and many more, I’m sure. I may continue this in a Snarkville Vol. 2 post. We’ll see!

Adventures in Online Dating - Part 2

If I hide my head, you can't see me.

I’ve definitely slowed down the pace at which I am communicating with people, over email as well as texting and meeting in person. It became such a time-consuming prospect, and work has been absolutely nuts…  I found myself spending a long day at work and then coming home to sit on the computer and attempt to reply to messages that I’d gotten.

Something had to give.

And, in the grand scheme of things, while I am looking to meet someone amazing at some point—I’m not in a rush. I have a feeling it’s going to take a long time to find, and in the mean time, I can only hope to meet some truly interesting, engaging people.

What I’m finding so far, though, is that some people really don’t want to be seen. Some just don’t want to be known… don’t want to be felt… don’t want to be heard.

Growing up, I had a cat named Smudge who would constantly poke his head into a bag, or under a couch cushion, or into the mail slot in the desk by the phone.

His head was hidden, but the rest of his body was quite visible.

We always thought he did this as a way of saying, “If I hide my head, you can’t see me.”

We got lots of laughs from this as a family, but I really think this notion applies to dating, as well.

We humans work so hard to hide certain parts of ourselves, unaware that the rest of us is hanging out, in clear view. We try so hard to keep Pandora's box tightly shut. It takes a lot of effort, doesn't it? And how well does keeping that box closed really work, in the first place? 

I would go so far as to say that we work so hard to hide our faults, our deep inner secrets, our hearts, our souls… unaware that the harder we work to hide—the more visible we actually become.

People claim they want to be open and not be judged.

And yet, when they experience my openness and my willingness to listen, and when they find themselves confessing things to me that normally they wouldn’t say, it’s apparently unnerving and downright disarming.

I can’t tell you just how many times I’ve heard these words: “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

Or, “I don’t usually talk about this stuff. Ever.”

Thus, the unnerving, disarming part…

These are the things worth sharing, though. Those secret things are what makes someone worth knowing. It's how intimacy is nurtured.

And that’s what the men I’ve met actually don’t like—to be that exposed, that vulnerable…

That could explain why I’ve experienced the same multiple times now… when I put myself out there, and when I am simply me… it’s just a little more than they’re used to. It throws them for a loop and at first, they aren’t sure what to do with it. And in the end, it’s easier to walk away early on than to risk.

What exactly is the risk, though?

My opinion is that if someone truly sees a person for who he or she really is, that person is in danger of being discovered, judged, and ultimately rejected.

In other words… reject first. Get them before they get you.

(Because then, I won’t be able to see that he’s really not good enough.)

Yes. I do think it boils down to the “not good enough” tape.

When I say that I am open, I mean it. I really am. And I not only hope for that in return, I have come to just “be” in such a way that I am non-verbally asking the person I’m connecting with to be open, as well.

It’s amazing to me just how many folks want no part of that.

I get why. I used to be there myself.

And it's hard to be open. It means you could get hurt, which as you know, I have very recently experienced. (Thus, the other reason why I'm taking a bit of a breather.)

People don’t typically interact that openly on a daily basis. It’s easier to make jokes, tell funny stories, talk about how hot it is (I mean, it’s Texas in July, do you expect anything other than, "It's damn hot!"?), TV shows, the latest sports team debacle, or useless trivia, etc.

It seems that some people live their whole lives in small talk. 

I used to be the same—closed up, sputtering out the headlines of my stories a bunch at a time so that I was just interesting enough to keep people around me, but not threatening, and certainly with absolutely no clue as to what intimacy really is.

These days, however… intimacy is not only something I want—it’s something I am willing to take a risk and be vulnerable for. It’s something I strive to nurture in the close relationships in my life. In other words, for me, intimacy has become a necessity.

Even if it hurts.

I spoke of living the alternative for so long... of being disconnected, out of touch, and even numb. I make different choices now, and while that means I do feel pain on a deeper level, it also means I relish happiness and pure joy when I feel it.

So if I go on a couple of dates with someone, and we never get past the banter, the light talk, the joking around, and the general awkwardness, then chances are, we aren’t ever going to get very far... period.

I suppose that’s all just part of this dating game, isn’t it?

Adventures in Online Dating - Part 1

How about a little levity in the midst of all of my soul-wrenching stuff? Yeah? Okay.

Let’s talk about this online dating thing.

It’s been interesting so far, that’s for sure.

I’ve met some really interesting people. I’ve met some quasi-crazy people, I’ve met some people who are outside of my comfort zone, and I’ve met some people who seem to have no interest in actually meeting face to face.

I guess emailing back and forth through a website is pretty safe, isn’t it?

But I’ve noticed a few trends, and I thought you might find some amusement if I shared.

The one-line messages

I have gotten the same exact message from the same guy three times: “you are BREATHTAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

What that tells me is that not only did he not bother to read my profile, but that he actually doesn’t really care what I have to say. I am nothing if not prolific on my profile. If you can’t find at least one thing to talk about in your message to me, then why should I bother to respond to your message?

The second part of one-line messages is the guy who sends a message that says something along the lines of:

Interested in casual sex? (I have no words for this…)
Want to come tuck me in? (Um, no. I’m not your mother and if you’re old enough to type that, then you’re old enough to tuck in your damn self.)
Hello
Hi there, pretty girl
Hello there beautiful
Hi, how are you?
Hi ;-)

Etc… you get the point … These messages that you’re sending me have zero imagination. Zero. It shows me you aren’t really confident in what you have to offer, and I make no apologies for wanting someone who is stable and who likes himself.

Basically, these one-liner messages get the same response from me.

None.

The chronic profile visitor

This is someone who visits my profile at least once a day—maybe even more often than that. And yet, I get no message from this person. I assume it’s just to troll my photos, but I don’t want to put too much more thought into it, because that does squick me out a bit.

Repetition of profile jargon is… repetitive

A lot of men say these things in their profile:

No drama!
You should love to laugh!
No games!

What woman is going to openly admit to being a drama moth? Most women I know who actually thrive on drama will vehemently deny it. Maybe that’s how a guy actually knows she’s into drama? The second part of that is… if you really have to claim so fervently that you don’t want drama, that’s a red flag to me, indicating that you’ve got a lot of drama in your life, already.

And personally, I really hate to laugh, but I don’t know about other women.

But seriously… I don’t understand this. Why would you even say in your profile that you want someone who loves to laugh? Is there really anyone on this planet who doesn’t enjoy laughing? Maybe what these guys really mean is that they don’t want a stick in the mud, or an uptight Type A personality?

And the best of all… the no games request.

Right.

I’m not buying it. What I am finding is that men play games just as much as women do. And while I, like any normal and decent human, do not enjoy engaging in games when it comes to dating… isn’t that what dating really is? An elaborate, dance-like game?

What of the guy who looks you in the eyes and says, “I’d really like to see you again,” and then disappears off the face of the earth?

What of the guy who promises a second date but then goes silent a couple of days before you’re supposed to go out?

What of the guy who never responds to your follow-up to his very enthusiastic email?

Are these not games?

Dating would be a lot easier if we were all just a little bit more honest. But I think the reality is, our egos just can’t handle it. Our egos need to be stroked, we need validation, we need to know that someone else thinks we’re attractive, awesome, and dateable.

And rejection comes in many forms… and often—so I’m finding, it’s in the form of a game.

And since I’m not much of a game player, it turns out that I’m not actually getting many dates.

I’m actually okay with that. I want to draw people to me who have inner light, people who aren’t afraid to share themselves, people who are open and willing to be known, and willing to know me.

And if that means I will kiss lots of frogs in the meantime… I think it means I’ll get really good at spotting the frogs in the first place…

Openness is Relative, Especially When Meeting New People

My last post was about love and openness.

Openness… is relative. Recently, I’ve delved into the world of online dating. I have a feeling it’s going to take me a long time to find someone who will see me for who I really am, and who will love me just for being me.

That’s okay. I’m not in a rush.

Because I suspect it will take a while, I thought I would get a head start and put up a profile on two sites. You never know, after all, when love is going to have its way with you, and I remain open to the possibility.

But I do wonder if, when I’m first getting to know someone, maybe I’m a little too open. I think it takes people off guard, to come across someone who will really talk about anything, at least to an extent.

Part of me says, "I am who I am, and if that scares off a dating prospect, then phooey on him!"

But I'm not sure it's that simple.

I’m used to being around Pathways folks, who sort of let it all hang out, all the time. When I’m talking to someone random, though, that sort of openness doesn’t usually translate.

My problem is… I have become practically incapable of small talk.

I have to wonder, though. Do people really expect the worst? Do they think that because I am open, and curious, that I must also be a little nuts? Or that I have a hidden agenda? Or something else? Clearly, I’m missing something…

Or is it just completely disarming and frightening to come across someone who is willing to talk and share about meaningful things?

It was actually easier to do the online dating thing back when I was so closed up and actually trying to show myself off as being totally perfect. But now that I am unafraid to admit that I am flawed, and now that I’ve stopped trying to be so damned perfect, what I’m finding is that authenticity doesn't seem to be good advertising.

The flip side of that coin is… do I really want to attract someone who is looking for perfection?

The answer is, of course… no.

Perhaps it's about balance. Learning where that line is between the light-hearted getting-to-know-you chatter where you ask questions like, "Where's your favorite vacation spot?" to the more serious and potentially thought-provoking questions like, "What do you  really want in a woman?"

Because after I ask that question... if the answer the other person provides has some real substance to it, I can dive in for deeper questions pretty fast. And real questions, real substance, can, as it turns out, send someone for the hills faster than I ever expected.

Hey, this is a learning experience for me. I'm dating again, for the first time in 10 years. Along with all the other things I'm doing again, for the first time in X number of years... I mean, come on. You didn't expect me to do it perfectly the first time around, right?

I'll be happy if I get it right, ever.

When it comes to balance... well. I tend to have some trouble with that.

Balance isn't about being perfect and centered. It isn't something static. It's about the small adjustments we constantly make to attempt to get to 'balance'. It's a verb. And sometimes it's about falling, laughing at yourself, and doing it again. - Patti's yoga teacher*

So, I am content that finding someone just right will take a while. In the mean time, I view this as a learning experience, and I do hope that along the way, I will at the very least have some fun and hopefully meet some great people.

And perhaps learn some balance along the way, laughing at myself when I fall down.


*I have every intention to actually get this person's name...