This is setting out to be the most personal blog post I’ve made to date. I have to think, though, that I’m not the only one who feels this way or has this particular struggle. So I thought I’d throw it out there and see if anyone can weigh in with their experiences. And if you don’t want to talk about it publicly, feel free to email me at lindaleetritton [at] gmail [dot] com.
I’ll ask that you “put your filters on” for what I’m about to share… to draw whatever meaning you can out of it.
My soul is so exhausted… to the core.
I just want to be.
God seems to have other plans.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had several significant “light
bulb” moments that I’d never quite put together before. Truths about me that
have struck me all the way to my core.
Are other people so much more together, or well-adjusted? Am
I really that—I don’t know… deficient, maybe—emotionally, spiritually,
intellectually, socially, etc? It feels like I struggle so much more than
others do with the universal, eternal truths of this life, while others seem to
have it so much more figured out than I do.
Or is it that everyone else is just faking it a lot better
than I can?
I can’t seem to fake anything, anymore. I’m mostly thankful
for that, because it’s exhausting to fake being okay all the time. It’s
exhausting to try and shove myself into a box I clearly don’t fit in.
I’m realizing that no one can ever be as hard on me as I am,
and that I am so practiced in the act of punishing myself that it’s proving to
be a very difficult habit to break.
I’ll go way out on
a limb and share one of the truths I learned about myself, just this morning.
Last night I was up late finishing some jewelry, and as I fell to
sleep, a thought popped into my mind. I’ve been feeling somewhat disconnected
from God and from my spiritual path in general, and I wasn’t sure why. I also
wasn’t sure how to remedy that… but the thought popped to mind that I should
try and get up in time to go to a place where I love the music… Bent Tree Bible Fellowship.
Sure enough, my alarm went off and I managed to get up and
out the door in time for the service.
Only, I stumbled into a service that was unlike any other I’ve
ever attended. It was kind of an on-stage drama of what it might be like for
the second coming of Jesus Christ.
It’s a little overwhelming to think about, mainly because I’m
not entirely certain what my idea of heaven is, or who I think will or won’t be
there, and what my thoughts are about “judgment day”, etc. My ideas of what
heaven or judgment is really all about don’t fall into typical Christian
beliefs, I guess. (A lot of what I believe doesn’t fall into “typical” Christian
beliefs, but I’ll get to that in a minute.)
None of that really mattered. There was a special
message for me this morning, and all it required was my presence in a building
where the music tends to open my heart wide, and where I tend to allow that to
happen.
I think you can open your heart at any time, in any place. But
sometimes, you need a nudge. And this morning, I got much more than a nudge… I
was pretty much shoved off a cliff.
I realized that the reason I’ve felt so distant from God
lately is because I have rejected the love He has for me… because I don’t feel
worthy of it.
Ouch.
Even worse… I realized I’ve been ashamed of my faith. Ashamed
of becoming a Christian, trying to excuse myself from the bad name Christians
have given themselves, instead of just striving to live by example.
Anytime I speak to anyone about my beliefs and my faith, I'm pretty apologetic. I
say, “Well, I guess that since becoming a believer earlier this year, that
makes me a Christian, but—”
But, what?
But, I believe
gays and lesbians should be able to marry and adopt children.
But, I believe
creationism has no place being taught in public schools. It’s a religious story
that needs to be told within the structure of religion.
But, I believe
each person has his or her own path to walk, and for me to assume or even wish
that everyone ends up in the same place is not only pompous, but it defeats the
purpose of spirituality, which, to me, is potentially the most personal,
intimate relationship anyone can have with the divine—whatever you believe the
divine to be.
But, I believe you’re
not damned if you never accept Christ as your Savior. Actually, I don't know that I even believe in hell.
But, I believe
developing kindness, nurturing love within yourself, giving your love to
others, and recognizing how we are all connected is vitally important—far more
important than how often you go to church, how involved you are in church, or
how much money you give to your church.
But, I believe that
humans, including (but certainly not limited to) Christians can crush others
with their judgments. I think we judge out of fear, and out of what we’ve been
taught, or out of limited knowledge, experience, and unexamined beliefs.
I think many of us place judgment first, and ask questions
later—or worse—never ask questions at all.
In many places, judging is not only accepted, but it’s
expected—even encouraged. I’ve
witnessed this inside the walls of many churches, and it saddens me that
judging is still so supported and even encouraged.
And I think I’ve fallen into this judgment trap, too.
Except, I’ve been judging myself and assuming that when I say the word “Christian”, I will immediately
be judged by others.
Instead of surrendering, I’ve remained lost. What? I’ve actually chosen to be a
victim in my own spiritual journey?
Ouch.
Instead of allowing God’s love to being me closer to Him, I’ve
been rejecting that love—a way of trying to maintain control. Control of my own
faith, control of my journey, control of my love.
What I’m getting at is… I don’t know how to allow someone to
love me... I don't know how to receive that love without trying to do something to explain or excuse it away, because some part of me believes I don't deserve it.
Even if that someone (who is trying so hard to love me) is who I believe to be the most divine
spiritual force in the universe.
Again… ouch.
Of course, awareness is the first step, and now, I am
certainly aware…
my soul
it's dying to be free
i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's up to me to choose..
what kind of life i lead.
cause i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold
i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me...
- from “Unfold” by Marie Digby
There is something positive in all of this awakening. I
recognize that this is really just another step in breaking free of all the
confines, shackles, and chains I’ve kept myself bound in over the years. I know
I’m in the process of breaking free. I know I’m in the process of unfolding.
That doesn’t mean some of those steps along the way aren’t
painful…
But unlike before, I am now willing to share some of those
moments. I’m not entirely certain what compelled me to share this one with you.
All I know is that we are all connected, and certainly I am
not alone my thoughts here, or, if I am—then I simply offer you this piece of me, as
another part of my journey, unfolding…
I’m in repair,
I’m not together but I’m getting there…
- from “In Repair” by John Mayer
My dear sweet girl, I will try to comment and make sense, I have a hard enough time trying to talk and make sense. We all have our struggles, you seem so much more sensitive, I have ignored a lot of things in my lifetime. I was brought up in church, we went every Sunday. I am assuming this will tell you who this comment is from, I have never actually commented on any of you beautiful writings. I have read most of them. Back to the point...
ReplyDeleteI was raised going to church and was always OK with it until my teenage years, then I wanted to disappear. We lived in Richardson, most of my friends went to church in Richardson and they all had youth groups and talked about the things they did at their church. I felt like an outcast because we went to The Salvation Army. My grandpa had been the bandmaster there before he died. My aunts and uncles on both mom and dad's side of the family were Salvation Army Officers. I told someone where I went to church and the comment that struck me was "I thought that was for poor people." or I did not know that was a church...I had never heard these comments before. Suddenly I stuck out. I had nobody at school to share any of that with, and when you went to the corp that we went to, it was almost abandoned in the summer time because it was the divisional headquarters and everyone was off to camp during the summer.
When I got married and moved out of the house, I stopped going to church. I lost touch with everything.
I eventually matured and someone said it to me, something I had heard all my life, someone said it and it made an impact. I was told that Jesus died to save ME from my sins. When I heard that before, I would look around and look at the other people around me and know that it was meant for them, not me. Someone said it in a way that made me understand that I was included.
I occassionally go to a church, I do not go regularly.
There is a passage in the scriptures that says that a man cannot lay with a man, or a father and son, mother-daughter etc. I think that is where the anti-gay stuff comes from, I am not positive. I have had to question that so many times myself. I know too many people that are gay or lesbian. I DO NOT believe that because of their orientation that they are just damned to go to hell.
Sometimes I feel so pulled to go to a service that I have to go, I must.
I do know that you must have faith, that is where a lot of people have a problem. Just know that you are worthy of His love. You are complete and whole and you ARE worthy of His love.
I love you dear heart, and am so happy to have you in our crazy disfunctional family, Aunt Robin